Depths of Despair
by PikaSass
Summary: Very angsty and very dark, so so sorry. I had a bad week and this is what happened! My first story in yonks, please R&R, short but quite heavy and sort of AAML. Sort of...


DISCLAIMER: I don't own Pokémon.  
  
A/N: Alrighty, its angst time! I'm sorry people, I really am, but I've had the crappiest week of my life and I somehow need to let it out. This idea came to me at 2am today and I've written it down on my hand. It's probably not original but oh well. Rated R for language, dark themes and…well, just cos I feel like it, lol.  
  
  
She couldn't look at herself in the mirror without hatred seeping out of her at the sight. She was everything they had said she was: stupid, naïve, ugly and downright vile to be around. No one wanted her, least of all herself, and no one ever would.  
  
By the age of seventeen, Misty Waterflower had had enough. To be frank, she was only falling into a deeper hole of depression every time she made eye contact with someone - anyone. Especially those she thought she trusted. But now trust was something she could never regain with anyone ever again. She couldn't trust people she had once called her friends, she couldn't trust her family…and she couldn't trust herself.   
  
"Dammit" Misty muttered, her fists coiled in a rage that was only directed at herself but that was the consequence of others actions and words. She couldn't be angry at the others when they had pointed out the obvious.   
  
_Truth hurts. _It was a phrase that couldn't be any more true to life and one that Misty's so-called friends had used on her that ill-fated day.   
  
Okay, so her and her friends from Cerulean had split ways when she had decided to become a Pokémon trainer, there was no question about that. But they had all made a bond, something that the hand of God seemingly couldn't touch, and for the last seven years Misty had believed that nothing would ever touch it. The letters, the e-mails, the compulsory but excited visits every time she came home…it was all the lifestyle of being a true friend in the face of separation.  
  
Or so Misty had thought. Until…  
  
Her eyes welled up as her mind took her back to earlier that night. She sort of wished it had never happened. Well, in a staggering way it was a good thing it had happened, otherwise she never would have known the truth. She would still be living in a charade of happiness without ever having a clue.  
  
Out of all the restaurants in Cerulean, Misty's once best friend, Jasmine (affectionately known as Jaz) had decided to hold her 18th birthday party at the same place Misty had been out with her sisters. There had been a vow taken between Misty and Jasmine especially they would be present at each others eighteenths, no matter what, and they would have the time of their lives while they were at it.  
  
Fate, however, had really kicked her in the teeth tonight, in more ways than one. How Jasmine and the others hadn't seen her as they sat down at the booth behind her was an example of this. If they had seen her, maybe they wouldn't have said what they did.  
  
"Hey Jaz, weren't you gonna invite Misty?" one girl, Katie, asked as they were about to order.  
  
"Nah. I figured the wimp could stay at home to mope about her long-lost love" Jasmine grinned as she lit a cigarette. Misty frowned. That was new. Jasmine had always been the one to stay away from tobacco of any sort.  
  
"I still can't believe you told Ash all that stuff. I thought you were her friend. It sounded like she really loved him" another girl whom Misty couldn't identify sighed.  
  
"No she didn't" Jasmine snapped. "Even if she did, he didn't love her."  
  
"Uh, Jasmine, they _did _go out for two years. He only dumped her after you told him all that shit about her being a lesbian and going out for image and all that. You hafta wonder if they would still be going out had you not talked to him" Katie said quietly.  
  
Misty nearly choked on her lemonade at the words. Nearly eight months after Ash had unexplainably dumped her, she was discovering that Jasmine, her best friend, was the one behind it. So now her so-called best friend had excluded her from what was supposed to be the greatest celebration of their teenage lives and destroyed a relationship she had cherished so much. She had loved Ash, she had loved him years before they'd started going out, and she had been driven home by the overwhelming heartache when it had fallen to pieces.  
  
There wouldn't be a chance of it. Misty's so uptight and frigid, Ash must've been getting frustrated. He doesn't have to worry about that with me Jasmine giggled, causing the others to join her.  
  
"Oh my God…" Misty whispered.  
  
"Mist? Is everything okay?" Lily asked, noticing her white face and saucer-like eyes.  
  
"No" Misty replied simply. How could she have been going around all these years thinking these were her friends when they were the complete opposite? How many times had they blackened her name without her knowing?  
  
"Besides, she's not here so we don't have to worry about her. Why would we anyways? The little skank, thinking she can go out with Ash Ketchum when what he needs is a _real _woman. Waiter!" Jasmine snapped her fingers to attract the attention of a passing water. "A round of tequilas for me and my girls. I'm eighteen now and I intend to use it to my full advantage!"   
  
There was a cheer of delight at the order but by this stage Misty had had enough. With a million depressing thoughts meshing in her mind, she slowly stood up, much to the confusion of her sisters who had missed the whole incident.   
  
Jasmine had noticed the movement at the opposite booth and raised her eyes to meet Misty's blue-green ones slowly approaching her. No expression crossed her face, though the other girls immediately fell silent at the impending conflict that was to follow. Eyes darted, fingers fiddled, the atmosphere dropped to antarctic temperatures, but none of this fazed Jasmine on her jealousy trail.  
  
"Misty, what an unexpected pleasure" she said coolly. The two girls eyes locked as opposite emotions crossed their paths.   
  
"I'm not sure that it is" Misty shakily replied. Another silence ensued before Misty grasped the courage she needed to ask her next question. "Why did you tell Ash those things?"   
  
"Because he needed a wake-up call. Maybe now he realises what a mistake he made, wasting two years of his life on you" Jasmine smirked. The words dented the core of Misty's being and she struggled to keep a grip on her composure.  
  
"Jasmine…we were friends" she whispered.  
  
"Well yeah, we were. But you chose to jeopardise that when you went away. If you'd stayed here then it would've been easier" Jasmine shrugged. Misty watched her stub out her cigarette with the feeling that the same thing was happening to their friendship.  
  
"So why did -"   
  
"Misty, look; you weren't invited for a reason. I was gonna tell you sooner or later. We're sick of you coming and going, only sticking to one guy, using morals as an excuse for everything that's fun…" Jasmine shook her head in sarcastic dismay.   
  
Not wanting to hear any more, Misty turned on her heel and ran towards the door. The tears only started when she was out of sight of the girls and even then they were silent rivers of pain. Running into the car park, she prayed a car would hit her, but she only ended up hitting a person who halted her desperate tracks.  
  
"Hey, I'm sorry, are you alright?" Misty looked up in horror at the familiar voice, only to confirm her fears were true. She had literally run into Ash, now Jasmine's boyfriend after a plan fuelled by envy, and now Ash was staring at her in complete bewilderment.  
  
"Ash…" Misty trailed off, backing away from him as slowly as she dared.  
  
"Misty!" The frantic cries of her sisters sent more panic throughout her and she glanced at him quickly, uttering one last word he only barely picked up on before she ran off.  
  
"Goodbye."   
  
And now here she was, standing in front of the mirror, her sisters desperate pleas to come out of her room proving futile and now stopping. Another heavy breath passed her lips as she shut her eyes tight to block out the image she saw in front of her.   
  
_I hate you. _It was the only thought she could direct to herself, and everyone else as well. _You fucking bitch, look at you! Who would love you? Who would even remotely like you? _The words rang in her ears until she couldn't bear them any longer.  
  
"Stop it, stop it, stop it!" she pleaded in desperation. Again her sobbing took her over and she crumpled into a ball on the ground, crying into her knees like the wimp Jasmine had labeled her. "Stop it, I…I can't…" Her sobs subsided when she swore there were no more tears she could cry.   
  
She had already ripped up every photo she ever had of Jasmine and the others, and any of Ash that she had kept in the hope he would come back to her. Her personal diary had received a hammering of dark thoughts and self-hate messages. And now she had to do it. It was the only way out, it was the only way she could be happy.  
  
Standing up, the world tilted slightly for a moment as Misty tried to regain her balance. The crying had really taken a toll on her. She carefully avoided the mirror and sat down on her bed where the scissors she had used to cut up false memories lay. Now they would serve her a greater purpose.  
  
She didn't think the first slash on her left wrist was that bad, until the blood started seeping faster down her arm, pooling at the end of her half-coiled fingers. It was, in a surreal way, comforting to literally watch the life being drained out of her. It was like the final chapter in a horror book.   
  
Oh man, it was a little deep. Still, the faster this was over with the better. The other wrist went under the same punishment, punishing herself for the thoughts and opinions of other people, and again the blood escaped. The cool substance traveled down her arm and she tossed the scissors aside. They had done their duty.  
  
She was completely at ease as she slid into her bed and turned off the light. It was the waiting that got to her. She could feel the blood leaking over to her sheets, forever staining her final resting place, but she didn't notice her breathing getting shallow until she felt dizzy. She had always slept in this bed, ever since she was two years old, and now she would die in it. It was all she could wish for now.  
  
Her eyes closed in a finality no one would ever witness and her thoughts became tangled up in a confusion she couldn't control. Some came through definitely, but they always seemed to be the most painful.  
  
_I love you Ash. I love you more than anything or anyone in the world. Trust and friendship were things I was not destined for. At least the gates of Heaven will open up to me.  
  
_***

Ash was the one who found her the next morning. Riddled with guilt and longing for the only girl he'd ever loved, he had visited the gym to be told by her sisters that she was still in her room and refusing to budge. He knew how to get her out.  
  
"Misty! Its me, Ash, c'mon open up, I wanna talk to you." Silence was the only response he received and his anger was now giving way to frustration and worry as he relentlessly pounded his fist on the door. "Misty! Don't be so over-reactive about this, Jasmine's just being stupid." Still silence. "Look, if you don't open up right now I'm gonna break the door down! I swear I'll do it Mist!" 

As silence once again smacked him in the face, he coiled his fists tighter and inhaled deeply. Could he break the door down? It wouldn't be that hard. He slammed into the door over and over, his shoulder starting to throb with the increasing pain, but finally his efforts proved fruitful when the door cracked and swung open.

"I told ya I'd -" Ash stopped in his tracks at the sight of Misty, her eyes closed in what looked like a deep sleep but her face pale and unstirring. "Mist?" Ash asked quietly as he approached her. He wasn't expecting a response, especially when he saw the red stains on the sheets. "No…no Mist, you didn't, please no…" His voice faltered as he reached her bedside and tentatively lifted the sheets. 

Right then and there he was nearly sick at the deep gashes in both her wrists, the massive amounts of dried up blood that had left their mark on her arms, the scissors carelessly tossed away with the stains forever on them.

"Misty, oh my God, Misty…I can't…" Ash felt his voice beginning to crack as well as his sanity and broke down into gulping sobs of bereavement and shame. This was his fault, he had believed everything Jasmine had told him and now he was paying the price for it. Or rather, Misty was paying the price. She had sacrificed her life when she had reached a brick wall she couldn't fathom climbing over, it just seemed so…pointless. 

Then again, Ash hadn't realised the amount of pain that had been burning through her like acid. 

All three of Misty's sisters came running upstairs at the sound of Ash's crying to witness something they never thought would happen. Daisy couldn't look for more than two seconds, Violet was speechless and Lily immediately burst into tears. It was bad enough their sister had committed suicide, seeing her lying there with pain still etched on her face was too much to bear.

"Oh Misty" Ash sighed, tears still rolling down his face. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He leant over and kissed her cheek. It was too cold. This wasn't the Misty he knew and loved, the one who naturally exuberated warmth without effort. Not this statue of death and hopelessness that lay before him. He stroked a stray piece of lank hair behind her ears and stared at her for a few more seconds in total disbelief and grief with her sisters.

"I have to make a phone call" Ash quietly announced as he stood up. 

"Yeah, okay" Daisy whispered. She desperately wanted to wipe the blood off Misty's arms as if that would wipe away the pain that all of them were now experiencing, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. 

Ash found the phone in the hall and slowly tapped out a number he had grown to know so well in the last couple of months. The ringing tone echoed in his ears three times before Jasmine picked up to be greeted by the last thing in the world she would imagine her boyfriend to say.

"I hope you're happy, you fucking cow. Misty's killed herself, her life was the shits because of you, and I hope like hell it burdens your shoulders for the rest of your life cos I know it will for me." With that said, Ash hung up, leaving a stunned Jasmine to absorb the news with mixed emotions.

***

The funeral was three days later and Ash couldn't understand why funerals were described as a celebration of one's life. What was there to celebrate now? Misty was gone, she had taken her own life in the depths of her despair, and Ash had had a huge role to play in it. Her casket was covered in all her favourite flowers, her favourite song was played as they proceeded out and she was buried next to her mother who had died when she was four. 

__

I killed you Misty, Ash thought as he watched the coffin being lowered to finality. _I killed you. _He couldn't stay to watch the coffin hit the ground, to hear the all too final thud and watch the dirt be piled back on like they were burying the incident forever so it could never be talked of again. Her sisters watched in distress but helplessness as Ash ran off, running away from the one thing he had never wanted to happen but that he had caused.

Jasmine had attended the funeral but couldn't sit any more forward than the very last pew. She kept her head low and her thoughts to herself. As Misty's casket was lowered into the ground, Jasmine threw in her half of the "Best Friends" necklace they'd each had a half of since they were nine years old. It sunk among the dozens of flowers and slightly glittered in the spring sunshine as Jasmine cried silent tears.

"I'm sorry Misty. I hate myself but I love you, I always will. You're my best friend forever."

__

How can you say that when you killed her? Jasmine cringed at the words that came into her head. _Murderer. You murdered your best friend because you're so goddamn jealous and immature. _Her first sob escaped and her mother, unaware of what had happened a couple of nights ago, wrapped an arm around her daughter's shoulders in silent comfort. 

Ash was still running as everyone started leaving the cemetery. He didn't know where he was going and could only blame his instinct for landing him up at the gym again. Her bedroom windows were closed, the curtains drawn, as though they were trying to block out anything else immoral. Enough had happened in that room already.

The back door's key was still hidden in the same place Ash remembered it to be and he slowly walked through, not quite sure what he was actually doing here in the first place. His feet took him up the spiral staircase and up to Misty's room where the door was still broken from his strength but as closed as it could possibly be.

Walking in, he discovered the room was immaculate with the carpets vacuumed and her desk completely clear of any jumbled mess that had been there before. Her bed was made with new sheets and her favourite rabbit soft toy sitting on top. It was like she was away on camp and her mother had prepared everything for her return.

But she wouldn't be returning. Ever. She would be trapped in that hole in the ground with scars on her wrist and on her soul. And Ash would be here on earth, blaming himself every day for what had happened, being told to put it behind him but unable to do that no matter how hard he tried.

He slowly walked over to her bed like he had done three mornings ago and lifted back the sheets, knocking over the rabbit as he did so. Not that he cared. His mind was so fuzzy he couldn't think or see straight. He crawled under the sheets and pulled the up to his chin so that he was only just peering out at her room. It was a sight that made him want to scream. She had lived and died here. It was a thought that was morbid beyond compare.

Ash just lay there for a few minutes more in blank silence until he felt a tear rolling down his cheek. He thought he had cried enough, but obviously not, as more tears accompanied the solo one. All he could do was feel the tears roll down his cheeks, like Misty must've felt the blood crawling down her arm. As his tears continued their relentless trail of destruction, he noticed a framed phrase that was sitting on her bedside table. Reading it with a wrenching heart, he knew Misty must not have taken much notice of it.

__

Putting your emotional well-being in the hands of someone else is like riding a roller coaster into infinity. You may not be happy today, but no one else has the power to decide that for you unless you give someone that power. Life is what you make it.

A/N: I wasn't kidding when I said it was angst, lol! I swear I'll get some fluffy fics up soon enough, but for now I just have to let it out. Sorry peeps, but if you could review that would be nice, reviews make me smile and I need to smile! Thanks for reading, FLUFFY STUFF SOON, I promise. Stay cool everyone!


End file.
